I don’t find myself hating a lot of restaurants that have a fairly wide menu…but I hate the shit out of Applebees. I don’t know if it’s the “All-American” style they are going for, it comes off rather hokey and I find all the crazy shit on the walls at TGIFridays more tolerable. Perhaps it’s the fact that every time I went there (note the past tense) the food was always cold, the wait staff were unfriendly and there were always about 100,00 children celebrating a birthday that resulted in that stupid fucking song to be recited over and over again becoming more depressed with every rendition. I don’t think anyone should be forced to sing Happy Birthday in any form to anyone that they don’t know. That is what your family is for. Expanding on my complaint about the food I should mention that every time I ordered anything with chicken in it,without fail, there would be a huge piece of cold, chewy fat attached to it. Almost like Alan Applebee himself was saying “Fuck You” to me while simultaneously trying to psychologically scar me by presenting this awful food at that same time Happy Birthday is being crooned over and over again. It’s called classical conditioning. Does Mr. Applebee want me to hate birthdays?
Applebees may have gotten into the restaurant game with the best of intentions. They wanted to offer decent food at a decent price to hard-working American people. However, while implementing their formula for success, someone back at Applebees headquarters must have forgotten to carry the 1 or misplaced a decimal as the end product turned out to be shitty food, overpriced, to a bunch of assholes. Mr. Applebee would turn in his grave if he were to know the clientele of his beloved restaurant chain.
During one of my few visits there I felt that I wouldn’t be allowed in due to my lack of WWE branded T-shirt or sweat-stained baseball cap. Additionally, the group I was with didn’t have any small, screaming children with them; I thought for sure we would be asked to leave for violating some sort of dress code or minimum child requirement. For some reason, a lot of the people that I call “friends” find Applebees to be irresistible. This has resulted in the occasional Applebees meeting or group outing; I need new friends. I guess my hatred for Applebees is somewhat limited as about 99% of the times I had the misfortune of eating there, someone else had the greater misfortune of having to pay for it. Luckily, most of the local businesses in the Buffalo area are partnered with Applebees in some way and offer large gift cards in exchange for getting your car washed or buying gas. While I don’t think the promise of free Applebees is enough to drive car-wash or gas sales, it is comforting to know that most people who do end up eating there will not be paying much, if any, of their own money to do so.